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Oh my god! Where've I been? Well, I'm back, bearing much news. I'll have to condense it, cause I got a lot to say.
- First: Whoever gave me a cold shall burn in hell; I feel like shit.
- The guy I've been moaning about for months? Methinks, I'm over him (:
- Friends are basically out to screw you over and I really don't trust most of the people I know.
- Kill Hannah gig was fucking awesome (: -31/9/08 <333
- Chris Crocker? I love you.
- Gay Foreign Jew Society shall reign over the earth.
- The internet is boring.
- Tantra? Where'd you go? I haven't heard from youu in ages, sweetie!
- Guys, guys, guys... they make life too complicated.
- Katy Perry is actually rather good.
- Twilight is overrated. But I still quite like it.
Loveyou all! xoxo Evii.
- Mood:
drained - Music:crushcrushcrush - Paramore.
Forgive the ridiculous analogy, but I do in fact feel like a game of Tetris. And the person playing me sucks.
Allow me to elaborate. I'm not saying that I am actually a video game and have hundreds of multi-coloured boxes dropping around me. Picture every one of those boxes, though, as a thought or a worry. Colour-coded, even. And the person trying to sort them all out and delete the rows can't do it, so they're all just building up and up until you hit the top - or the bottom, if we're being realistic instead of analogical (is that even the right word?) - and everything just goes blank. I'm not saying I wanna kill myself; I'm just saying there's too much in my head.
Said overwhelming topics are as follows.
My Lack Of A Love Life
A selfish, self-centred and stupid 'problem', I know. But it really does bother me that guys aren't interested at all - I'm not that bad, am I? - and there are hardly any guys around here that I'm interested in either. I honestly find it bizarre that a town of this size can't have any decent guys in it. Well, except one, but look where that went. Oh well; I still like him and I think he knows that, but it's not fair on him or his girlfriend - she's really nice to me; I so don't deserve that - so it's not like I'm going to do anything. Slight digression - had a talk with Tantra about that a few days ago, we're both in the same situation, and she said to me 'It's amazing how selfless you're being, putting his happiness before yours' (or words to that effect). That made me think... I'm hardly being selfless. It's taken me well over four months to get to the point where I can accept that nothing's going to happen, he's not interested now and never will be. That's the only reason why I can settle for being friends. If I even thought anything could ever happen, I wouldn't give up. That's not to say I'm not going to like him - I still do, and probably will for quite a while - but I'm going to accept how futile it is. Right, back to the point. I just wish I could find a nice guy and be happy in the romance department for a change. I don't wanna sound like one of those pathetic girls that needs a guy to make her happy, cause I'm not - but it does improve my mood considerably.
Friends.
Okay, I'm really quite sick of a lot of the people I know. It's just take, take, take, without a thought for my feelings. Take one example - not to name names, so let's call her X. X was quite upset yesterday; her parents had been arguing and she'd broken up with her boyfriend and was annoyed at his apathy (that's guys for you). So, we went into town after school and met up with a mutual friend, wandered around for a bit until the guy we were with and I had to go to youth council (we're cool like that). So X heads home with some other friends, and while we're in the meeting, she texts me, begging me to call her. I said I would when I was finished. I got home at maybe six, then got a text from her a few minutes later, saying she wasn't allowed on the phone and could I go on msn. Well, at that point I couldn't; I was about to eat, so I told her I was busy and I would later. Of course, technology fails me and it wouldn't work when I tried to log on, so I didn't talk to her until later, when she texted me again saying she couldn't deal with life. I tried to talk her down, and keep her calm, but she just got more and more agitated until she said 'Evii, I can't do it . I'm sorry, I'll miss you and I love you.' Again, I tried to calm her down but it just didn't work. We kept that up until my credit ran out, and I ended up being awake until 4 AM, crying my eyes out and being so genuinely scared that she was going to do something really stupid. So when I got up this morning, I checked to see if there were any texts from her, saying she'd sorted herself out. Nothing. So I head off to school, go to my first class which I have with her and she's not there. I was so scared; I can't even describe it. And I couldn't call her until lunch, cause I had drama before break which always overruns. So, all through maths and PE I was pretty upset and kinda agitated (made worse by the fact that I got a detention in maths for something that was SO not my fault - but I'll save my ranting on the school system for another day) but eventually I get out and go and call her. So, it rings a few times and she just goes 'Hello?' all happy, and bright. I was like, FFS! I did my best to seem normal, but inside I was just screaming 'DO YOU KNOW HOW WORRIED I WAS ABOUT YOU!?' Argh! People make me so mad! I know it probably seems quite harsh of me to be mad at her when she needs help, but this has been going on for months now and if she won't get proper help for her problems and she won't listen to us, what am I supposed to do, right?
Writer's Block
Lately, I've been finding it hard to update my online stories, come up with new ideas or even write the simplest of poems. Ironic, really, one of the most emotionally draining times of my life and I can't even write how I feel about it. Well, except for here and my own diary; but they don't count. The only ideas I've had lately are:
1. A play called Man On The Moon? which about a dead woman who's fucked up her life so much she feels detrimental to mankind as a species, and is reflecting on it,
2. A novel about apartheid and a hidden relationship, which I've pretty much given up on already, and
3. 'Miss Anthropy and Mr. Ree', about two kids in college who are, you guessed it, a misanthropist-type girl and a mystery man.
I told you I can't think of anything good!
Until tomorrow.
Cause I'm feeling angsty atm, and am therefore required by 'Emo Law' to blog left, right and centre.
xoxo Evii.
- Mood: crappy
- Music:Ludo - You're Awful, I Love You.
On with proposed topics now, first up...
HYC Music Festival
Okay. Friday 29th, I went to the HYC 'Horsham Rocks!' music festival with some friends. We headed over around four, caught this band called Be My Guest [www.myspace.com/bemyguest] who were actually really great. I can't get on myspace to check names or anything, system's down, but basically they were like a British Paramore, who I love anyway. So, they were awesome. After that was a heavier band, fronted by an old friend's brother. They were okay, not incredible, but they were very talented guys and it was great to see them overcome the technical problems they had during their set. So they were great. Anyway, we headed back to town for a while, and went back later on, and saw three amazing bands in a row. They completely blew me away. They were - in order - A Man Down, Last Letter Read and Throwing Paper Aeroplanes [search them in myspace, I can't log in to get their urls. Sorry]. They were all extremely talented, their sets were great fun, my friends and I had an awesome time watching them and the thing I loved was that they were all so passionate about their music. You could tell this was what they loved, and some of them had other jobs, the band was their side thing, but I could really see in all of their eyes that they were true performers. I really hope all those bands get the breaks that they deserve, because they all just blew me away with their energy and their talent. It's amazing how many tiny, local, unsigned bands are out there, many of them with a good deal more talent than most mainstream performers. I suppose what I'm saying is... support your local bands!
Anonymous Online
Another thing I've been musing about is the anonymity of the internet. I mean, look at me now! I'm hiding beneath the name eviiexterminate. Yes, it does feature my name; yes, I have a profile picture; and yes, you can find out about me in my profile. But, in all honesty, if you were just reading this, would you really know who I was? I could be anyone. I could be a cheerleader. I could be a jock. I could be a murderer, for all you know! Just for the record, I'm none of those things. But you know. I suppose my real point here is, is this anonymity good or bad? Well, it's a bit of both. Let's weigh it up.
Example. A cheerleader who is interested in 'emo life' can log into an emo site [i.e. www.soemo.com] and find out about how people really think, how people are. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? A bit of both. This anonymity allows this hypothetical girl to peruse her interests without gaining ridicule from her friends. But it really says something about the state of the world, that someone cannot be interested in something else without having to have a reason behind it? In a similar way, this can be used to sabotage a particular member of said website, by taking text or photos of their profile or forum posts, if this information can be taken in a negative light.
Now, I know that's just a hypothetical circumstance, but it does happen. And therefore, this can be taken in two ways. Is anonymity good? Only if you use it carefully. Things can still be used against you.
Right, I have to go now, so I'll finish this tomorrow. T'ra.
xoxo Evii.
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:Mayday Parade.
I really, really don't understand there women. Especially the ones who enter their three- and four-year-old daughters into beauty pageants. Toddlers with spray tans and false eyelashes? Ugh, it just makes me sick! It really does. I mean - examples. JonBenét Ramsey? Yeah, the one who was murdered. Wikipedia her, and look at the picture. Does she look like a little six-year old girl to you? No, she does not. She looks like a fucking doll. Ever seen one of these beauty contests? It's just so disgusting. Kids under the age of seven, dieting. Mothers saving for boob jobs, from the time their daughter is born. Little kids in heels and full costume and makeup... ugh! There's just something so sinister and creepy about it.
There really has to be something wrong with these parents, though. It's just so weird to dress your child up like a doll. A painted baby? A sexualised image of a child? It's quite perverted, I really do think that. If you look at some of the costumes - I only googled imaged JonBenét, and I'm creeped out enough, thanks - it's really disturbing.
Okay ! I'm freaking myself out, plus I need coffee. Ta ta for now.
xoxo evii.
- Music:Dashboard Confessional.
Subject today: Things I Miss.
Starting simple - I miss being a really little kid - about two, maybe three. I miss how much I trusted everyone, unconditionally loved everyone. I miss running around my garden, pretending to be a ninja, or a princess (ninja princess - now that was a combination!) and not caring what anyone thought. I miss being able to dance around without freaking out about what people were saying about me. Being little was fun. Carefree. I'd give anything to go back to that age. I also miss anything that reminds me of that age. In particular - BN biscuits. They were awesome, where'd they go? Sniffle.
I miss last summer. I was going out with this guy, and, while I don't miss him as a person - it was probably a good thing when it ended; went on too long, in all honesty - I miss the security of being in a stable relationship. I miss feeling like someone was always there to care whether you live or die. I mean, I love my friends to death, but I really feel like most of them see me as a burden, an obligation. Maybe not the Brighton lot, but definitely most of the people around here.
Thing is, I know I'm insecure, and I feel most comfortable when in a relationship. It's stupid, I know, but I need to feel like someone cares about me. God, I sound so pathetic, but it's true. My friends seem to find relationships easy; I find them really difficult. It's stupid... I don't get as many opportunities as my friends, I guess. Which is weird... you'd think, being bi, I'd have more, but no... I might as well be invisible a lot of the time. I think I mentioned in a previous entry, about the guy I really like being more into my friend. I'm not mad, I'm really not. It's just typical for me. My friends are, officially, ten times funnier, prettier, sweeter and all round better than me. It can give a girl a complex, I tell you that.
Ooh, went a bit off subject there, didn't I ? Well, I'm buggering off now, love it or leave it. I'm off to look for something to eat now. Might have a Pot Noodle... Chicken And Mushroom... (sorry, been watching Mighty Boosh Live too much, as usual)
Love you all!
xoxo evii <3
- Mood: nostalgic
- Music:Avenged Sevenfold - Dear God (on repeat)
I guess I'm just feeling a little cynical about guys, and romance at the moment. A guy I've liked for a couple of months told me last night that he liked my friend - who likes him too. I mean, he was really nice about it and he told me he still likes me too (it's a long story for another day), but now...
I mean, he has a girlfriend. But knowing that they like each other (him and my friend) has made me just lose interest in him. That is, I still like him, a lot, but I'm trying to stop myself from thinking that. It's not fair on anyone. What kind of a friend would I be - to either of them - if I got in their way?
I s'pose, I just feel quite bad now because he's liked her since they met, and she liked him then too. I just feel like I was really in the way all the time. He said he liked me too, but I honestly think he was just sparing my feelings (he's too nice for his own good, as I 've told him many times) and trying to get to know her.
I'm not mad, really. I'm just a little upset - trying to hide it though! We were all in town together today, in a group, and I was trying not to think of him as anything more than a friend. Honestly, it really was easier to just be friends with him, and not worry about how I looked, or if what I was saying was stupid. I guess, I do still like him, but as long as I can kid myself that I don't, it'll all be okay.
Looking for another guy, tbh!
xoxo evii.
- Mood:
cynical - Music:Panic At The Disco.
My so called 'best friend' is a bitch, I've discovered.
I always knew how mean she could be to my face, but we'd always laugh it off and pretend that's just how we were. ******* and Evii, the comedy duo. *******; a clown. Evii; a victim. Funny, right? The 'Not-So-Stereotypical Friends' show. Well take down the set and cancel the episode: Victim's had enough and she might just take down the Clown.
I s'pose I should elaborate. I stayed over at my friends house the other night (not naming her - she's done nothing against me) and we were just chatting about past relationships and we were talking about when I briefly got back together with an ex. I said' Maybe I shouldn't've done that...' and my friend said 'Oh, well everyone makes mistakes. ******* reckoned it was just cause you were desperate but I can see where you were going with that.'
You know when something just makes you so mad you're seeing the world through a haze of red? I was furious. I mean, I'd asked her opinion on whether I should, and she said 'Oh, it seems like a great idea; you guys were great together.' Hmm, yeah: a great scratching post for you to sharpen your claws on, bitch. I mean, maybe I'd let it go, if it was just once. But I'm sick of her acting so superior to me, constantly. I don't see where she gets off thinking she can treat me like shit and I'll accept it. But then again, I always have let people push me around. Every 'best friend' relationship (for want of better word) has been about the other person being in control, and using me to make themselves look better - and I always let them. I always saw myself as second-best, so why should I have demanded respect when I did't even grant it to myself?
Anyway, yesterday we were in town - a big group of us - and it included this guy that I've been out with a few times. So I was just talking to him, cause in all honestly, he's a really nice guy at times... more of a friend than Superbitch can be. So the others wander off, and I stayed with him and a couple of other girls when ******* and a few others called me over to talk to them. Immediately, she starts in 'Why the fuck are you talking to him? You're meant to hate him; he's been a dick to me.' All the other girls in the group take her side - including the one whose house I'd stayed at thre night before. Even the girl who invited the guy to town with us. As always, I'm in the wrong and Miss ******* is right - disagree at your peril.
She's a manipultive, selfish little cow and I don't know why the fuck I put up with her. Fear? Probably. She knows a lot about me and she could start rumours any time. People would believe her over me... they're scared of her too. This time, though, I really am sick of it. I really want to tell her to go fuck herself, but it'd get my other friend into shit with her, so I can't say anything. I'll find a way to make her pay, though. I swear she's not going to get away with this...
- Mood: pissed off
- Music:Boys Like Girls.
My life is so empty that I've decided to rant and ramble endlessly and either gain an amazingly huge fanbase 'cause of my witty view of the world, or annoy the shit out of you all. Your choice :)
So let's see. What's going on at the moment? Oh, the Olympics. Let's not go there.
Actually, I will! I'm so sick of going downstairs every morning and seeing someone on TV jump over a bar, or run along a track or... kill a pig or whatever it is they're getting them to do. The only entertaining part of this is watching my mum sit on the couch, eating crisps and insulting all the ugly people. It's great! Very un-PC, but funny nonetheless.
Right, well I just scanned Google news to try and find something vaguely interesting to talk about, but quite frankly, it's all bloody boring. So I'm going to go and find some crisps. Back in a sec.
Okay, I got them. Hula Hoops (: What kind of a stupid name is Hula-Hoops though? They're too small, you couldn't get them around your waist. Maybe a gnat could, but it's too fucking big for a gnat. It'll kill it. But they are multigrain, which I s'pose balances it all out.
I'm fully aware of the fact that what I'm typing is meaningless shit of no use to anyone, but how else am I supposed to leave a mark on this world? As a wannabe journalist, scrabbling around for fame and approval is a part of my genetic makeup. So honestly, if even one person reads this, I'll be so happy. Then maybe I'll write something of some good to someone (: Actually, I will be writing better stuff at some point, but it's kind of hard to convey who you are via a blog. I don't want to be remembered for my personality though; I want to be remembered for my writing. Is being remembered as a writer of a tiny blog a good thing? As long as someone reads it, I don't mind. As long as people know who I am, that's fine. Yes, I'm a bit of an attention whore. I do constantly look for approval and acceptance. I know it's probably very shallow and all that, but there's nothing I like more than positive attention and feedback; I like knowing I belong. Among my friends - and don't get me wrong; I love them to bits and they're all very lovely and unique and incredibly good-looking, etc... - I'm known as the 'whore', the flirty slut, all because of one incident. Nothing positive. I guess.. I guess I want someone, somewhere, to see me as more than that. Someone who doesn't know my entire life story and hasn't seen me crash and burn, at my lowest point. Someone who only knows me under the pseudonym of eviiexterminate, someone who only knows my writing. That's all I want.
Wow, that got a bit deep, didn't it? Hehe. Well, if you read this, comment me, and I love anyone who's read this far. Thank you so much.
xoxo evii.
- Location:My desk (:
- Mood: contemplative
- Music:Hawthorne Heights - Fragile Future (album)
